What now?

I have been needing to write! But Procrastination and binge watching entire TV series often wins.
Y'know I always try and do a wrap up for the year that was around now but this year is different - I'm happy.

That is not normal for me around this time. I really should be a little more stressed about what the F%*k I'm going to do with my life. It's mostly financial - I'm not working and I am writing this instead of applying for a few jobs. Yeah - so financially I should make some big changes in my life - but my soul is happy. I may have just jinxed myself and I am a little superstitious that the happier I admit to being the further I have to fall into that familiar pit that is depression.

I was telling a friend about my woes and mistakenly said that I was in the same boat last year and have been saying "Next year is the year!" for about 3 years now. It's not true. Last year I had one potential project on the go and in its infancy. Since then I have shot a funding video for that project, produced a short film, written another, driven up and down the coast in my trusty new Suzuki SX4, seen great things, met great people...the list goes on. I have had a good year, except for that one week of hospital stories and an unexpected death, but that was one week, oh and that one night where I drank way too much rum...one night! I digress - My friend summed up my current problem as being one of abundance. I have a number of fantastic opportunities on my plate right now (and I am talking creative projects not men, although I know a few good ones there too), I just need to choose which one to focus on first. They will all get done but my dilemma is HOW do I  prioritise?

And on the subject of my love life - I have lots of wonderful people in my life that I love and that love me - I know this, and it makes me happy. I may not have that "someone special" that society
brings us up believing we should have but that's ok. I never have been one for conformity.
Here is a good article I came across this morning about relationships in 2017 - it makes a lot of sense to me.
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/80-singles-go-one-date-2017-paul-carrick-brunson?published=t

Worth?

* This was written a month ago in November. I re-read it and it needs to be published - so it's 2 for 1 today.

I have a new project in the pipeline that begs you to ask the question "What am I worth?". It is a comment on the hospital system and questions who is worthy of treatment.

This week I have spent a bit of time visiting in hospital and watching how a public hospital operates and it's really quite dismal. You don't want to get sick, that's for sure. The nurses have the customer service level of any store in the UK and don't get me started on the scheduling!! If you have no intention of doing something at or by a certain time why tell a patient that it will happen. People want information, they like to know what is happening, they find it comforting. I know this, I have been incorporating it into the way I work for the past 20 years.

It's a strange mentality people have.
Answer me this - which is more comforting -
1. "Yes, I know you are in pain. we are bringing your pain medication now" - it never comes, no explanation is given.
2. "Sorry, I know you are in pain, we are unable to get the one your doctor has prescribed but here are your alternatives". alternative medication is administered.

1. We will be with you shortly, please wait. 3 hrs later.
2. Im sorry, it's going to be a 2-3 hr wait.

In my line of work if I ask how long something will take  many people feel they should respond with "five minutes" because they think it is what I want to hear. Not true. I need an accurate estimation so I can keep other things moving and shuffle a schedule around to improve efficiency. I like to think I have a pretty good track record for doing this well.

It just felt like the flow of information was very stagnated and scattered. I understand certain protocols need to be in place for WHS laws and what not but you wouldn't think a bottle of water would be too  much to ask for.

When I told these stories to a friend who has spent way too much time in hospitals supervising her parents treatment over the past 10+ years she didnt bat an eyelid and was not surprised to hear any of it.

It's eye opening. Lots of sick people in the world and not enough funding to treat them all or to even make the ones who can get into hospital comfortable. That is the definition of "Met minimal requirements". A review I received once on my Airbnb place. It sits amidst the 49 other glowing reviews about me and my place do :-p to you!!

What else? If you go into hospital afterhours or god forbid on a Friday, don't expect much in the way of support. A friend of mine went in on a Friday but couldn't contact her health insurer until office hours Monday. I would say switch providers but its too late by the time you are in hospital on a Friday night , isn't it?

I was also reminded that life is short and life is precious. Why waste time hating on politicians and posting it all over facebook go spend time with people you care about. You never know when they might not be around anymore. I still don't know the details, but I know he is no more - We should never have kept putting off that Yum Cha lunch!!

Social Media - good or bad?

Ok - I understand the irony of blogging about the evils of Social Media and promoting said blog via Facebook.
These are 2 articles that caught my attention on my FB feed this week.

Quit Social Media. Your Career May Depend on It.

By CAL NEWPORT NOV. 19, 2016 - an article on the NY Times site

and

Hootsuite - an advert for an app to help me manage all my social media needs in one place.

All this while I have been reading the novel Blind Faith by BEN ELTON

SO people have been telling me to build my brand and that I MUST have an online presence. It's the only way to progress my creative career. Go for a job and people google you and check out your FB page, Instagram, linked in, twitter... I am sure the list goes on. I have done it myself. Does anybody else find it annoying when you are trying to find the details for that meeting/lunch/coffee/orgy you booked in and cant for the life of you remember which platform you received this info. So you scroll though text messages, emails, What's app, FB messages, FB events, Twitter, Tinder and I have even checked my Words with friends conversation - all to find out that the details were given to me face to face and I jotted them down correctly in my calendar.

A friend of mine recently quit Facebook. It was too distracting and she was wasting too much time on it. After a month she has no regrets and feels better about herself for doing so. She now has more time to actually LIVE LIFE. I am starting to see her point. I have always kept my posts quite generic and not too personal. SO if I wish to communicate with her I text or call and I even pop in for a visit!

[* a FB notification just popped up and mid sentence I was about to check it. This is what social media has done to us. ps - I finished the sentence before checking it.]

I realised just how many people were able to see where I was, who I was with and what I am doing so I censor it now. Just as I have censored this blog.

Don't get me wrong, it has it's good points. I love that I can share and connect with friends far and near and I somehow feel like I know something about their lives even if I haven't been in it for over 20 years. But I still prefer a phone call or a face to face meet up. Nothing can beat a real human connection with a person.

Work colleagues are on there now - this is a nice grey area isn't it? Among my FB 'friends' are close friends, family, work colleagues, vague connections with friends of friends who I may have met once upon a time. This leads to a whole other topic of when do work colleagues become friends? I will admit that there are people among my FB feed that I don't actually like. And I am sure the feeling is mutual but its not about liking people, it's about collecting the most amount of friends isn't it? 

 How much of what you post do you think people actually read?

The more time we spend emoting about ourselves and posting photos of our lunch where do you find time to read everybody else's  updates and see what they are all having for lunch? Both the NYT article and Ben Elton's novel pose this question. It makes you think And I don't know if I like it that way. Will I quit - no, probably not. "They" wont let me.

SO if you take the time and get to this sentence in my blog - Thank you.

Respect and Appreciation

These are things that matter to me and what makes for a satisfying work life. I realise I have written about this in the past on this blog too - so it must be pretty important to me.

I spent many years working for someone that did appreciate and respect me but didn’t verbalise it. Then I worked with a crew where they said thank you to my face everyday – I was utterly confused by this and thought I was in an alternate reality. I have also experienced unappreciation and disrespect, otherwise why would I be writing about the need for it?

I am the first to tell you that I don’t know everything. Despite everyone treating me like Google. I just know how to appear like I have everything under control. Everyone has something to teach you despite their age, culture, background, experience, sex, politics, religion, sexual preference….. the list goes on. I say everyone I mean EVERYONE!

There are things that I know how to do better than others, that’s why I have started training others. But I walk into class telling them that I don’t know everything and there are things they know better than I do.

If you are going to surround yourself with experience and knowledge appreciate and respect the people and be willing to listen and learn from the experience and knowledge that they bring to your life.

I think this goes a long way in personal relationships too.

My nephews have taught me everything I know about Pokemon,  Octonauts , Minecraft, Angry Birds, The Wiggles and every other trend kids have been into over the past 20 years.

So let me take this opportunity to thank you for stopping to read my little rant for the day. Maybe you can teach me something too.

Addicted to you.

I am on the other side of 40 and addicted to two apps that I may be judged for.  Every one is hooked on Facebook so that is now socially acceptable. So it's not that. No, not Instagram or Twitter either. Anyone attempting to follow me on either of those knows that.

I'm probably a little older than your average Pokemon Go addictee, but hey, don't knock it till you tried it. I tried it, I like it. It adds a little something to a casual walk to the beach or in the park. I am thoroughly engaged with my niece and nephews aged 6-22, and the best bit is trying to get more and better Pokemon than them!! I was SO excited when I managed to score a Pikachu before any of them! Hehehe - evil aunty laugh!! They have been great. The ones with phones are my Pokemon help desk so I can ask stupid questions about how to do stuff in the app. And the little ones play it on my phone and love it. When I saw them for lunch recently I gave them my phone, I had about 30 Pokemon and was level 5. When they gave it back to me at the end of the day I was on level 9 and had over 100 Pokemon including 2 of my favorite Squirtle that admittedly my nephews had to catch for me.  Little bugger kept jumping back out of the pokeball!!

Oh the other app I may be a little addicted to is Tinder. There's a lot of lonely people out there, and the social butterfly in me loves meeting new people! I am house sitting on the central coast and it has taken me a week to wind down and actually want to write. So I jumped on tinder and started chatting to a few different guys.  It was fun and social and kept me occupied during my wind down/ writers block time. I met up with one of them - call it a date if you want, it's just a label for two people hanging out isn't it? It was lovely, he came and picked me up, we went to the local club for dinner, a few drinks and then he dropped me home. Local knowledge is great. He had the day off so we hung out the next day - got Vietnamese rolls and went for a stroll along the water where he got to put up with me catching Pokemon while we chatted. My other mission of late is to find the perfect outfit for my friends 40th birthday party - themed 70's, 80's & 90's. My local guide took me to a few local (and hidden) op shops where I discovered a goldmine of outfits that fit the party's theme. And now I have not one but two costume options. I may need a major haircut though. I could buy a wig but it might be fun to get a fringe cut - can anyone recommend a good hair dresser who won't break the bank? 

So what has my 'research' taught me, and why has it prompted me to want to write this? Damn good question, but can I answer it. Regular readers know how the concept and philosophy of relationships fascinates me. I can't accept the social standard and I struggle to understand the reactions I get to some of my opinions. 

In your 20's - you date who you want and you end up in relationships and believe you are in love. You break up, move on, you get over it. 

In your 30's - people date with the intention of finding 'the one'. You look for potential partners wondering if they would be good parents and if you want to spend your life with them. There is a lot more weight on anyone you 'date' than when you were in your 20s. 

In your 40's - hmm, still learning and observing here but there is a different attitude with guys in their 40's. Guys I meet in their 30's still have hope of finding the one. In your 40's everyone has a past. Marriages, divorces, kids, a number of careers, occupations, addresses and experiences. Many have just given up on the idea of 'the one'. Unlike me, I haven't given up on it, I just don't accept that it exists or understand it. 

Alain de Button is an amazing contemporary philosopher who recently spoke at the Festival of Dangerous Ideas at the Sydney Opera House.
I really admire the way he breaks down his thoughts, the way he organizes them and then how he presents them. It's inspiring. Anyhoo, he has a train of thought that says romanticism has killed marriage. Once upon a time marriage was more of a business or financial transaction. Any girls who have been to Egypt must know how many camels they are worth! You married to get a better life. That's what arranged marriages and match makers are about. Then the romantics came along and decided your life partner was to be decided on by an instinct or feeling. That can only get you so far (definitely to at least 3 months). If a life partnership is to be built, and I am sure any successful pairing will attest to this, it is about more than just a feeling, there's the bills, the logistics, the annoying little habits, the friends and relatives you don't like. I like to think what really tests a relationship (and by this I mean any relationship - romantic, social, business,...) is how you deal with the shit. The boring stuff that goes so far beyond that gut feeling. This is what relationships are built on. Some of the hardest projects that I have worked on have created the firmest bonds in my career and social life. (The mud, the mud, no more mud!)

Opinions. When I tell people I am divorced, most people adopt a sympathetic "I'm sorry, you poor thing" attitude. I always say getting divorced was the best thing my ex and I did after we got married. Divorces can be positive steps in a persons life - it definitely was for me and I am much happier for it. I tell people I was on a tinder date and they react with excitement and joy and maybe a little wink. I'm just meeting someone for coffee, or a walk, I'm not marrying them!! So just chill the f#*k out! Everyone I know is so tied up in their own lives or have moved away, or both. I'm a social being and love meeting new people and both Pokemon go and tinder are great for that - so I'm not giving up coz I gotta catch em all!😉

Sliding Doors

I have had a very emotional week of inactivity and alone time. Yep just me, my laptop and annoyingly slow internet - bummer!

I decided to cyberstalk an Ex of mine only to discover he died a few years ago at the age of 40. What do I find freaky about this? The tragedy of a genuine, kind hearted person having his life cut short at such a young age and me wasting my life writing silly blogs. Or that is was someone that I knew? I will NEVER see him ever again, no chance. It's not that I am upset over losing him, it's tragic yes, but I haven't known him for 10 years now, so it's not like he was a huge part of my life now. In truth it won't effect my daily life at all.

But it has made me think about all the different paths that have been available to me in my life and the decisions I have made that have led me to where I am today - hence the title.

Ponder the what if's, it's the choose your own adventure of your life except you only get one go at it. Every other alternative ends up in a script, a story or maybe even a blog. How would my life be now, if...? Where would I be, what would I be doing, who would I be with, and the big one - would I be happier? Of course I would be happier - they are my fantasies and dreams now so naturally, things are better in them. Though there is also the idea of despite choosing a different path, you still end up in the same place.

For example: If I had somehow ended up with this particular person, maybe he would have died at 40 no matter what and I would still end up single on the other side of 40.  In that case I might not be happier, I think I might be more screwed up than I am now. If we had stayed together over that time, there is a lot I might not have done, people I would not have met, And I would still be me. Well, me with a different set of memories and who's to say in that universe I didn't fantasise about the life I actually had.

Go Ahead - make a choice!

Honest to Blog

2nd of June 2016

I've been a bit down lately - Is it the weather, Is it the not working, Is it my impending birthday later this month? It still starts with a 4 and still no one believes me?!

Do birthday celebrations get longer as you get older? Maybe it's just me? There was a time when you would have one big piss up.. I mean,  party with your mates and that was it. Yay, I'm another year older, it was just an excuse for a party. Now that everyone is time poor and it's so much harder to get all my friends together at the same time without issuing a "Save the date" months in advance, birthday's have stretched into multiple events spread over a week. I had lunch with my Bestie yesterday, the 1st of June, and she insisted on paying saying "It's your birthday." No it's not, it's weeks away. SO it has started even earlier this year.

As you may know I go through a little self assessment around my birthday every year. It pretty much goes along the lines of - "What have you done with yourself this year so far? Is that all? Why haven't you done x yet? Why haven't you done MORE? What are you waiting for? Why are there no men in your life? Why are there so many men in your life? What have you been wasting your time with?" I know - I am my own worst critic. Yeah, capable, strong, independent women can have mental moments of insecurity and self doubt too, ok!

This year I dug deep! It could be due to writing more and trying to define my characters better. So I wondered whether my penchant to surround myself with male friends but not form any sort of intimate relationship with any of them was just my way of protecting my fragile little girlie heart. It's easier and safer to be mates rather than take the chance and risk rejection and pain . Deep huh? but now I don't know if that's actually ME or if it's what I am creating for one of my characters? Very confusing. Schizophrenic inspired Gemini tendencies come to the surface when writing multiple characters in different scripts. I have to learn to think and speak in multiple voices. Finally, all those voices in my head can get get out. Wait, who said that?

Happy 2016!!

Greetings all.

Now traditionally at this time of year I would write a retrospective piece summing up the year that was and how horribly traditional the holiday season can be and how its all a reminder that I am alone and forgot to have kids.  But never being one to do what is expected, or "normal",  I will now write about my accomplishments of 2016 thus far.

I have driven over 250 kms.
I've caught up with family and friends.
Spoken to a dear friend on the other side of the country and another on the other side of the world.
I've laughed, I've cried.
I drank without getting a hangover!
I made $465.00!
I cooked dinner and breakfast for 9 people that I wasn't related to.
Used over 1.4GB of my 2GB of data on my phone.
I have been spat on by a small child.
I managed a yoga bind for the first time ever and did a pretty good head stand.
I have had a newly hatched chicken named after me.
AND I wrote this blog!!

We are only on Day 4 so if this is any indication of the year ahead I guess it's gonna be a big year!!
Gee, I hope I haven't peaked too soon?!