Honest to Blog

2nd of June 2016

I've been a bit down lately - Is it the weather, Is it the not working, Is it my impending birthday later this month? It still starts with a 4 and still no one believes me?!

Do birthday celebrations get longer as you get older? Maybe it's just me? There was a time when you would have one big piss up.. I mean,  party with your mates and that was it. Yay, I'm another year older, it was just an excuse for a party. Now that everyone is time poor and it's so much harder to get all my friends together at the same time without issuing a "Save the date" months in advance, birthday's have stretched into multiple events spread over a week. I had lunch with my Bestie yesterday, the 1st of June, and she insisted on paying saying "It's your birthday." No it's not, it's weeks away. SO it has started even earlier this year.

As you may know I go through a little self assessment around my birthday every year. It pretty much goes along the lines of - "What have you done with yourself this year so far? Is that all? Why haven't you done x yet? Why haven't you done MORE? What are you waiting for? Why are there no men in your life? Why are there so many men in your life? What have you been wasting your time with?" I know - I am my own worst critic. Yeah, capable, strong, independent women can have mental moments of insecurity and self doubt too, ok!

This year I dug deep! It could be due to writing more and trying to define my characters better. So I wondered whether my penchant to surround myself with male friends but not form any sort of intimate relationship with any of them was just my way of protecting my fragile little girlie heart. It's easier and safer to be mates rather than take the chance and risk rejection and pain . Deep huh? but now I don't know if that's actually ME or if it's what I am creating for one of my characters? Very confusing. Schizophrenic inspired Gemini tendencies come to the surface when writing multiple characters in different scripts. I have to learn to think and speak in multiple voices. Finally, all those voices in my head can get get out. Wait, who said that?