A moment please...

Last night my Grandmother closed her eyes on this world for the last time. She was 96 (i think), or there abouts.

I haven't seen her in years, so, to me, I guess I had already let her go.
My understanding of death and society's reaction to it as much a conundrum as what relationships are supposed to be.

I know I am supposed to be all sad and accept everybody's deepest condolences. Truth is, she probably should have let go a few years ago. She didn't want to be here anymore. A friend of mine, who also recently lost his grandmother, said the same thing, going so far as to say that if it was a family pet you would have taken them to the vet years ago to be put down. Sounds harsh but there is truth in it that you should at least consider for a moment. I am not asking you to agree, just to consider it for a brief moment.

I couldn't have a proper conversation with my grandmother as my chinese language skills could barely pass kindergarten. Do I regret this? No,  not particularly - I had a choice, I had the time, I just chose not to do anything about it.

What I do know about her is that she raised a family of 5 children with a fairly absent husband in rural China. The family officially migrated here when my Mother was only 16 and after my grandfather passed away in the 80's. my grandmother continued to live very capably on her own. So to suddenly have your body fail you and be put in a nursing home must have been really hard for her. I pride myself on my strength and I can only put it to the positive female influences in my life. Of which she was definitely one.

When I stop to think about what she has taught me I think of dumplings (goc jai) and the fact that she stuck up for me when I was compared to my sister all the time. Maybe it was because she too was a little sister.

Regular readers may remember a post about how excited I was when I made my first batch of these dumplings without any assistance. I remember being gathered in my mothers kitchen with a whole contingent of aunties and making dumplings to feed the masses that are my extended family. I could write something really poetic about how she will always be there to guide my hand whenever i make these dumplings from scratch. But that would be lying - she knows it, I know it, you know it. I watched, I learned and I practiced making these things because  they are yummy and I like to eat them. Maybe I'll make some now, I'm getting kinda peckish.

She will be buried next to her husband, my grandfather,and I hope we can keep the tradition going of sending things to the afterlife where they continue on in happier more peaceful times. Do I believe in the afterlife? Not sure, but she did so lets hope that's where she is.

I have a really clear memory of her at my grandfathers grave once, offering up his favourite foods along with Chinese tea and a few shots of whiskey, just the way he liked it and chatting to him. Catching him up on news of the family and to share the banquet with other deceased relatives. It created a great image of my deceased relatives around a banquet table - eating, drinking and being merry. So maybe that's where she is now.

The body may be gone but the memory will always be there and I hope this little blog is enough to honour that memory, even though she would't be able to read and understand it.