Sliding Doors

I have had a very emotional week of inactivity and alone time. Yep just me, my laptop and annoyingly slow internet - bummer!

I decided to cyberstalk an Ex of mine only to discover he died a few years ago at the age of 40. What do I find freaky about this? The tragedy of a genuine, kind hearted person having his life cut short at such a young age and me wasting my life writing silly blogs. Or that is was someone that I knew? I will NEVER see him ever again, no chance. It's not that I am upset over losing him, it's tragic yes, but I haven't known him for 10 years now, so it's not like he was a huge part of my life now. In truth it won't effect my daily life at all.

But it has made me think about all the different paths that have been available to me in my life and the decisions I have made that have led me to where I am today - hence the title.

Ponder the what if's, it's the choose your own adventure of your life except you only get one go at it. Every other alternative ends up in a script, a story or maybe even a blog. How would my life be now, if...? Where would I be, what would I be doing, who would I be with, and the big one - would I be happier? Of course I would be happier - they are my fantasies and dreams now so naturally, things are better in them. Though there is also the idea of despite choosing a different path, you still end up in the same place.

For example: If I had somehow ended up with this particular person, maybe he would have died at 40 no matter what and I would still end up single on the other side of 40.  In that case I might not be happier, I think I might be more screwed up than I am now. If we had stayed together over that time, there is a lot I might not have done, people I would not have met, And I would still be me. Well, me with a different set of memories and who's to say in that universe I didn't fantasise about the life I actually had.

Go Ahead - make a choice!

Honest to Blog

2nd of June 2016

I've been a bit down lately - Is it the weather, Is it the not working, Is it my impending birthday later this month? It still starts with a 4 and still no one believes me?!

Do birthday celebrations get longer as you get older? Maybe it's just me? There was a time when you would have one big piss up.. I mean,  party with your mates and that was it. Yay, I'm another year older, it was just an excuse for a party. Now that everyone is time poor and it's so much harder to get all my friends together at the same time without issuing a "Save the date" months in advance, birthday's have stretched into multiple events spread over a week. I had lunch with my Bestie yesterday, the 1st of June, and she insisted on paying saying "It's your birthday." No it's not, it's weeks away. SO it has started even earlier this year.

As you may know I go through a little self assessment around my birthday every year. It pretty much goes along the lines of - "What have you done with yourself this year so far? Is that all? Why haven't you done x yet? Why haven't you done MORE? What are you waiting for? Why are there no men in your life? Why are there so many men in your life? What have you been wasting your time with?" I know - I am my own worst critic. Yeah, capable, strong, independent women can have mental moments of insecurity and self doubt too, ok!

This year I dug deep! It could be due to writing more and trying to define my characters better. So I wondered whether my penchant to surround myself with male friends but not form any sort of intimate relationship with any of them was just my way of protecting my fragile little girlie heart. It's easier and safer to be mates rather than take the chance and risk rejection and pain . Deep huh? but now I don't know if that's actually ME or if it's what I am creating for one of my characters? Very confusing. Schizophrenic inspired Gemini tendencies come to the surface when writing multiple characters in different scripts. I have to learn to think and speak in multiple voices. Finally, all those voices in my head can get get out. Wait, who said that?