A very quiet Christmas

I have barely said a word for 3 days and working on my 4th. Y'know how I like to say go hard or go home. I went HARD!!! and I broke myself, well my voice at least.  Seven days on a film set yelling over 20 adults to 5 straight days in a swimming pool talking to hundreds of kids and the flying, don't forget the flying! I like travelling but is sucks when you get sick. I went through the receipts on my arrival home and its V energy drinks, Panadol, honey, cough drops, gatorade, echinacea - you get the picture. The tricky part of travelling and working 12-14 hr days is not being in control of what you consume.

The great thing about living alone is its easy to not talk to anyone. Phone calls are tricky but so many people prefer some form of messenger or text  these days that I doubt anyone really noticed that I had gone quiet.  I messaged my parents to tell them I have no voice so they call me to get the details. Anyone see the problem here? I almost didn't go to my family Christmas lunch coz the doctor told me I was contagious. I went - just couldn't talk much. I whispered and used a lot of hand signals. I usually like to host an Orphans Christmas party but this year I was the orphan - all by myself and dozing on the couch with remote control in one hand and Mum's Christmas leftovers in the fridge.

What has this year taught me? I rediscovered my passion, though it wasn't until September until that happened and then a lot of things started to fall into place. Lots to do and learn but a direction to head in.  I started to feel my age and my body let me know it. I finally feel like my health insurance is worth it. I still don't fit anywhere and relationships continue to baffle me - and that's what keeps this blog going!

I took on a new job to pay the bills coz passion projects don't pay very well if at all. I believe in work life balance but mine is hard to see. My work life balance can't be calculated in a day, a week or even a month. You kinda have to even it out over a year or more. I have been more than content to lie around at home, not talking, moving from couch to bed and drinking all forms of tea and soup til I feel better. (and all these thoughts floating around my head waiting to get out!). A few days hibernating balances out the solid months of working and 2 straight weeks of long days, bad catering, lack of sleep, and being in another city. I'm ready to get back into it...nearly. Just let me get past this level of candy crush and binge watch one more series!!!

Happy Holidays, my Friends!! 

Be good, Be safe, Be grateful!

Perspective

So I was in a NSW Service centre the other day and saw this.

What order would you put these pamphlets in?

My friend wanted to change the order to Birth, Marriage, Death. Thinking that's the order he expects these events to happen to him.

The official name of the governing body is " Births, Deaths and Marriages".

The way I see it is Birth and Death are unavoidable - these happen to everyone and there is nothing we can do about it. Marriage is avoidable and indeed forbidden for some. And many people I know are getting married after they have kids. 

I guess it all depends on who's looking at it and if you think of it as your own birth or the birth of your child.  If you think about what order you might need to fill in each of these forms then the photo is correct...kind of.  

Unfulfilled - no, not quite.

"I'll never have what I want because I never want what I have" - Carrie Fisher.

I get this - it's very me.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I stop and get nostalgic about all the what ifs and sliding doors in my life. Thinking maybe I could have been happier/better/content. Maybe I could have gotten married and had a little family and now I would be the fit forty something yummy mummy jogging through Coogee in my designer active wear pushing my designer stroller with my designer baby! Then I walk past a kid throwing themselves on the ground and chucking an overly public tantrum  and it snaps me back to reality and reminds me how grateful I am to be where I am and with the life choices that I have made.

I know every person who has ever been a parent thinks it is the be all and end all and they can seriously make us conscientiously childless folk feel like shit! You act like your time is so much more valuable and that everything you do is so much more important because you managed to procreate. REALLY!!

Beautiful advice someone told me about recently. They asked a mother "What am I missing out on by not having children?". The mother shrugged and wisely answered "Well you are missing out on the having. Just like those that have are missing out on the not having."

And thank you Wendy Squires for this article and saying everything I want to but better.

The End? ...Or is it?

So this could be rather monumental or it could be a big steaming pile of BS. I don't know yet.
But I think I am going to retire from my current 'so called' career. It hasn't been very nice to me over the years and I'm tired of it. So I'm done, moving on. I am deeply saddened to announce that it is over - that this relationship is terminated. But we can still be friends?

It's the longest relationship I have ever had with anything. I see people starting out in this industry full of energy, ideas and passion. While digging through some stuff  of mine I was reminded of when I was that cocky kid starting out  - full of passion and energy. I was going to be someone. I was going to make a difference. Maybe I did, Maybe I didn't - doesn't matter now.

I watched Pirates of the Caribbean - the latest one - the one shot here. Lovely to see familiar names float by in the credits. Proud to say "I once knew them" and their numbers are in my phone. But I also realised that my name won't be there and I don't care anymore.

It's been great but I think its time we went our seperate ways. My dedication and devotion to you has given me some treasured experiences but you have also kept me from other things in my life.

For years I have been saying "This is the year", "Bring it on", "Any second now". I have been waiting for something to present itself - it hasn't.

So what next?

I need to reinvent myself again. But where and towards what? Can't tell you coz then I have to kill you - no really, I can't coz I don't know.

And I somehow feel these pictures are related to what I am thinking right now?! No one can explain me - but its an egg!

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* I wrote this a few weeks ago - I'll keep you posted. Change is afoot!!