R-E-S-P-E-C-T

WARNING: I am sure this will offend some people. Sorry but it's where I'm at right now, deal with it!


Why can't you people leave me alone!!

My sleep last night was bookended by late night texts from people trying to book me in or change plans  for THIS MORNING(!?) and an early morning phone call inviting me to breakfast. The only acceptable phone calls after midnight are 1) In case of emergency, 2) Im out drinking with you and can't find you, 3) international callers who have difficulty figuring out time zones. 4) and booty calls, I guess. Dunno, been a while since I have had such shallow a relationship.

I'm all for spontaneity but what happened to the days when you used to say "Meet me at the Town Hall steps 3 days from now at midday.", and without any further communication, you could rely on that person to be there?? Technology happened! Mobile phones, text messaging, internet, social media...etc, the list goes on. Don't get me wrong I am not one to leave my iPhone far from arms reach at any time of the day. (which would explain why late night and early morning messages bug me, I know, I could simply turn off the phone but then I would have nothing to complain about).

I think a culmination of events yesterday was enough to tip me over the edge. That and being a few days away from turning 40!. Every year, without fail I think I get depressed around my birthday. It's another milestone for me to measure up to. I contemplate what I have achieved in the past year and it usually depresses me. I am my own worst judge. There is little to complain about in my life - I own a home, I am fit and able bodied, and I have family and friends .  Maybe I should just aim lower and achieve satisfaction. I DO appreciate what I have and am very proud of many of my achievements, but I always expect a little more of myself and I always will, so this leaves me disappointed.

Age is but a number but people around you, society, media, basically everywhere you look has its opinion of where you should be in life and what you should have achieved by certain ages. Maybe I spent too much time rebelling against the norm as a teenager and got too good at it and it stuck. I may not be alone but I am definitely a minority. It amuses me that so many tv shows about young, hip n sexy singles end with characters getting married or having kids. Think about Friends, Sex in the City and sadly even 30 Rock. I take this to mean either

1.All anyone wants is to get married and have kids. Once this goal is reached there is nothing left to say - Happy ever after.

OR

2. Life after marriage and children isn't interesting enough to carry a series.

Look at what they did to poor Joey on Friends. All the other characters got partners, weddings, kids and a house in the burbs. Joey moves to LA for his career, stagnates as a 2 dimensional character and flops in his own TV show. I'm being a bit harsh here - I never really gave it a go, and I don't research what I write on here at all.

But I am sick of being so accommodating to everyone else around me. I get the impression that people assume I have more time on my hands because I am single and unshackled by partner or offspring, but then they also seem to think I am always busy and 'going out'. I spent Friday at home cooking up a storm (wontons, gyoza and salsa), and last night I stayed up watching multiple movies on tv. Yes, I love that I can do that whenever I feel like it but that's my life, ok!

Ever thought about why I blog? It's therapy for me. Cheaper than a shrink and easier to get time with my laptop that it is to find a friendly shoulder to cry on. (boo hoo, poor me!!)

I just want a little respect and reward for my time and efforts, is that too much to ask?

Lonliness vs Tolerence

I stole this title from Sean Hughes  and it has always stuck with me.

The concept of Loneliness vs Tolerance - Everyone is going to annoy you in some way, right? So in order to be able to hang out with people we decide who we can tolerate more and therefore avoid Loneliness. Give up tolerance and you will end up alone. I need to work on my tolerance.

It's a beautiful and romantic idea to think that there are people out there that you will never find any fault with. Realistically, that's kind of delusional. I married my now ex husband because there was no one I knew that could make me angrier than he did. I figured I must love him coz he annoyed me so much. 
I have been catching myself feeling a little lonely these days.
Friends don't call as often, no one just pops by for a cuppa, it's all so much effort. People think I am always SO busy. I think it is because I don't have a regular schedule and am therefore often busy when others are not. Often the busier I am, the more alone I can feel.  I'll find myself mid week finally getting a break, wanting to chill and having no one to do this with.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming others for forgetting me, its probably my own fault of playing all my cards a little too close to my chest all these years and not letting anyone in to see the real me in here. You'd think someone might have figured it out by now.

It amuses and intriegues me that some people think I would be happy and all my problems would be solved if only I would find that 'special someone'. Sure, it would help, but trust me , there is so much else in my life that I am questioning right now that the 'special someone' would just be a small percentage. If there is someone out there who can allow me time and money to travel and write and to be selective of the projects I work on while being completely supportive of everything I do and eat all the food I cook without getting too fat then bring it on.

Damn it why am I never satisfied. I am so lucky to have everything that I do have and yet it's still not enough. As much as I am ok with being on my own,  I do entertain the idea of sharing my life with someone. Here's where another part of my brain pipes up and says - " who says we are supposed to end up with one person anyway?". This part of my brain says other things too but she doesn't always make a lot of sense. And that's a topic for a whole other blog entry, I'm sure.

Hoping this isn't too morbid.  I am fine to anyone who wishes to ask. I actually started this blog idea in August last year and I needed to write something today but had no other ideas. Except for the weird rom-com movie dream I had this morning that incorporated a few random thoughts of late. I woke up at the end of the 2nd act where the couple have a heart breaking misunderstanding and have been trying to figure out how it ends all day.