When does someone become a boy/girlfriend, what date do you celebrate as an anniversary, exclusivity, multiple partners and friends.
I spoke to someone yesterday who said they chat to a mutual acquaintance about once a week on Facebook. I don't have anyone I chat to that often. "That's what friends are!!", was the reply I got. So my thinking here is:-
A) I don't have any friends
B) I don't have the same expectations of my friends
C) where have my real friends gone?
D) what is this face book inter web thing you speak of?
I thought I was someone people wanted to know. I used to be the social event coordinator and the person who knew everyone. Turns out I am just a very organised person who keeps track of contact details very well. People turn to me if they want to get to someone or something else.
I am lucky to hear from friends once a month and I thought that was fine, until now. I look back to my early 30's where I would see a whole group of friends at least once a week and some of them more. Where are they now? Settled in their own worlds where I am nothing but a distant orbit. This is probably largely to do with me getting so caught up in my work that I disappear for months on end. I've been doing that for about 8 years now so I guess they all got used to it. Even my parents only hear from me once a week. I went away with work a few years back now to a remote area with little to no phone reception. I may have blogged it then but I will repeat myself: the 11 other people I was with freaked coz they were out of contact with girlfriends, boyfriends, partners, children. I had no one who needed to hear from me - except the producer. Does this sound sad to you? Does no one love this girl? Or is it just that the people that do love me trust that I will survive 10 days on a work trip to the outback without any dramas?
I had the most amazing week of impromptu visits and adventures this week (more often than not they involve food and wine- so yes, I love them! Come visit!). It started as a meeting about a project we are working on together and turned into dinner, a sleepover and a drive to the northern beaches to visit her parents and a mutual colleague and friend of ours. So we sat in the afternoon sun sharing a lovely bottle of red wine and good conversation surrounded by numerous species of birds and one of my favorite canines in this world. Our host has over 70 years of life experience on this earth and we were musing over relationships and expectations. I figure he might know a thing or two about human interaction. We spoke about the importance of creating a healthy and open conversation about your expectations within a relationship and about face to face communication vs a phone call vs a written message (email, text, message, letter). Communication is undoubtedly clearer face to face. There are so many tools of communication that don't involve words - facial cues, body language, the tone and inflection in a voice. Think of trying to communicate with someone who doesn't speak the same language as you. It's like breaking up with someone via Facebook or text vs a phone call or the oh so brave face to face (or phone sex vs real sex vs sexting, if your brain works that way) . I should be so lucky, all my relationships just kinda fizzle off until they seem to ignore me completely. Until they want to get to someone or something else, then I probably have the contact details they are after.
The more I think about it the less sense committed relationships make to me (at least the standard definition of them). Cheating is only cheating if monogamy is the expectation. I watched "The Vow" on tv the other night, average movie but a surprising message embedded in a sub plot. Daughter finds out dad cheated on mum, can't understand how mum forgave him. Mum (Jessica Lange!) tells daughter that she thought about all the good he had brought to her life over the years vs his one bad. This echoes Dan Savage's words on monogamish and so called cheating (That's in an earlier blog of mine). I agree.
So monogamish, polyamory, cheating? Same thing? Different expectations. I have many different people in my life whom I love for different reasons. I do not have committed sexual relationships with any of them but I need them all in my life to satisfy different expectations of mine. Until I find my "The One" who somehow embodies all of this, this is how I'm going to continue living my life.
Having said all this, I think of the movies and music that I love and realize what a stupid romantic I can be. I'd love to be 'swept off my feet' , 'weak at the knees', 'so in love I want to put it in my FB status update everyday and make people sick', but I am a realist. If my "Prince Charming
" is spread over a few different people, I think myself pretty lucky.
Would I rather the weekly Facebook chat from lots of people I never see in person or an impromptu drop in a few times a year? Honesty, I'd like both, but the impromptu visit is worth about 100 faceless Facebook chats.
