It’s ok to be on your own over the holidays

It’s only popular opinion that says you have to spend this time of the year with people - family, friends whatever.  It’s just an extension of the “everyone wants to couple up and have children” idea. 

Not all of us can be with people that care about us all the time. You may call me hypocrite if you know how often I see my family. But I have friends spread far and wide all over the planet who don’t know each other. If I threw a party for everyone I cared about (and teleporting was available) there would be people in the room that didn’t know anyone else.  I’ve made some interesting and wonderful connections in my lifetime. 

A wise woman told me this year that the three most important things in life are family, friends and health.  It may be true. So if you are lucky enough to be surrounded by them at the same time of year as is socially encouraged and acceptable spare a thought for those who may not have the same luxury. 

Don’t even get me started on the expectations around presents!!

It is however a great time of year to take stock and reflect on the year that was both good and bad. 

Here's what I got up to: - 

- Got a new job, got screwed over in new job then finally started new job 6 months later. 

- Had major surgery, recovered from major surgery.

- Released a web series.

- Stumbled in and out of love without anyone knowing about it. 

- Had my lowest recorded income in a financial year for a looooong time. 

- Was appreciated by impressive young women I have been fortunate enough to teach and mentor. 

I have often been known to host an orphans Christmas. I put out an open invitation to any friends who should find themselves alone on Christmas evening and bring them together at my place to help me with leftovers from my family Christmas Feast. Alas, all my orphans are all spread out again but if you are at a loss tonight - gimme a call or come visit!

Festive hugs and kisses to all the orphans out there today!!

Turning 45 and Death.

No, Im not dramatic enough to be writing about my own mortality. On the eve of my 45th Birthday I received news of my Uncle passing. So I spent much of the day crying and reminiscing. I guess I was closer to this uncle than most even though he lived in  another country. But that country was Canada and I lived with him and my Aunt for a year when I was studying in Vancouver.

I don't know if I have a lot to say about this topic right now but I liked the title.

I guess what I want to say is - Perspective, Everyone will say "Happy Birthday" to me today and I'm not very happy. Do I fake it? I know people die every day and life goes on and that doesn't mean we should stop celebrating. But this year may be a little bit tougher.

OK - getting older! I had a moment last night when I couldn't remember if I was 44 or 45. Didn't help that my mother was sure I was only 44 too! I always used to think that number sounded soo old and my and everyone else's expectations of what that should look like is so far from my actual reality. So I continue to redefine what it means to be *gulp* in my 40's.

I don't look my age, so for those that didn't know how old I am - surprise!! I had a marketing call that I didn't hang up on a few weeks ago and was asked my age bracket. I reluctantly answered honestly and from only the few minutes on the phone the voice on the other end of the phone thought the same thing. "You don't sound that old!". So it's not just an appearance thing?

What makes me not a "grown up"? Spirit? Attitude? Don't know what to call it but I don't fit into the same box as many of my peers. I think a lot of adults (and I use the term loosely) forget how to play. They get so bogged down in 'life' and responsibility they forget how to have fun. Very true in Sydney these days - you can feel it. I asked my Dad if he felt like he was in his 70's and if he felt like he had it/life/stuff figured out - Simple answer - nope!

I once asked a nephew what we would do if he didn't have to go to school and I didn't have to go to work? His face lit up and the answer was simple - We could PLAY all day!!

Will I ever grow up? I hope not!!

*Sorry, the point of this blog wasn't to elicit sympathy it was to acknowledge all my friends who have lost parents and/or had to dedicate a large chunk of their lives to nursing and caring for parents. I realise this is the age where we start saying goodbye to the generation above us. I just forgot to write about it yesterday.

Where did everybody go?

What has happened to the drop in??
No one comes to visit like they used to. I remember when I was a kid and people used to come visit and bring cake and cookies and have dinner and stuff.

I know I was often the organiser, the instigator and the social coordinator of my life and those around me. I hadn't realised just how long that had been going on until a friend from high school mentioned it recently when she did come to visit.

One week she brought me dumplings along with chocolates and flowers and the next week she came and shared a cuppa and some cookies. It was lovely. I miss the drop in. To be fair I was housebound and staying at my parents place which is much closer to where she lives than my usual abode. But at least she made the effort. And I appreciate it.

I know a lot of people but how many true friends do I have that I can really depend on. I am a very capable person and I must give the impression that I don't need help. Most of the time this is true. If there is no one around to help you there is no choice but to do it yourself.

Where was everyone when I was physically unable to do things for myself due to recent surgery. (and that is a whole other experience to write about!). I had to really think about how I measure friendship. Interesting that many of my closer friends are in other towns, states and countries. But even they made an effort. I got an amazing care package from Cairns - lollies, snacks, toys, artwork!! It meant a lot, it was effort because that friend couldn't come visit.

My parents would comment on how nice my friends were - the ones that came to visit, sent presents,  take me to lunch and even drive me around. "Where are your other friends?", " I thought you were close?" is what they would ask. This made me question the same thing and wonder if I really meant that little to my 'friends'. It made me sad. It also brought up the whole "When are you going to find a new husband to look after you?" conversation.

Now, because I am the single independent friend I am usually the one that does the drop in visit. I go to them. If I didn't I would never see them. A few years back, I consciously stopped organising everything/everyone to see how many social invitations I would actually get if I didn't instigate them. My social life died down a lot! I make the effort to call and visit. I have since rationalised that just because people didn't send me gifts or come visit or offer to help doesn't mean they don't care. But is it just me making myself feel better and to relieve the guilt of 'friends' who didn't make the effort.

Technology has a lot to answer for here. Just think about your choices in communication these days. Facebook reminds you that it is someone's birthday - do you call them, text them, buy them a cake or presents, take them to dinner? Or do you just send them a simple Happy Birthday on Facebook along with a few emojis? We have already lost the drop in, now when was the last time you
called someone on the phone, just for a chat?

My life as the Universe's chew toy.

The roller coaster that is my life used to be an easy ride but its gotten a little rougher this past month, or has it been going on for years?! The ups and down are getting more extreme and more frequent. So as far as a roller coaster ride goes its awesome!!! As far as my emotional and financial well being are concerned its a train wreck!!

One lovely weekend after a rough week for both of us, a good buddy and I headed south for a spot of snorkelling. A good drive, great weather, beautiful spot I prep my mask and snorkel, dive in, get up and the glass falls out of my mask?! Yes it was looking old and worn but I didn't think it would just give up like that!! None the less, it did... but I was still in a beautiful location with one of my best mates on a sunny day and in the ocean. A swim, a shark, a pop in, a lite lunch and a long drive back. I'm tired but I figure I can push through dinner and minding my nephews without a nap. I finally get home exhausted and sleep for about 10 hours only to wake up a little dizzy. It's a grey and drizzley Sydney day so I happily lie in for a bit and hope my head stops spinning so I can get on with my day. This was the start to the ultimate day of ups and downs.

Lunch plans got shifted to afternoon. Ok , I can deal with that, lets go see a movie. I book a discount ticket online for a session that fits perfectly with meeting my friend in the afternoon. The traffic is terrible and it takes me forever to get to the cinema and just as long to find a parking spot. But I do - Huzzah! But just in time to make the movie. Popcorn and drink in hand I get my ticket checked only to be told the manager wants to see me. Ok - this is unusual. My session is cancelled!! Wha?! Is there another movie on soon that I can go to instead. Ladybird - seen it, 50 shades - I'd rather gouge my eyes out with a tea spoon, Black Panther - an hours wait for a really long movie that would mess with my afternoon plans and I wasn't in the mood for Marvel, so No. That's ok - I got my money back on my ticket and movie snacks plus 2 comp tickets for Hoyts. And it has left me time to buy the new snorkel mask I need - so Bonus and a win.

Still with time to kill I figure I will haul up in a cafe in Newtown and catch up on a little phone-min (phone admin) while I wait for my afternoon catch up. I find parking on King St (unheard of!!), I browse stores and choose a cafe - "sorry we are closing early today, yes in 15 mins". Ok - not a problem, Newtown is not short on cafes, so I find another cafe. Nice atmosphere, gastronomic sugar creations and a sticky chai tea please. Lovely! I settle in and pull out my phone to text my friend that he can find me in a cafe near his place when he gets back. Oh - no phone service. WTF?! Not to worry - I can deal with this - I go outside to send the message so he knows where I am and go back in to enjoy my cake and tea without the distraction of my phone. I finish up and leave. My friend is due back in 20 mins. I take my time and move my car to his street (its raining, remember!). 20 mins later I get a phone call - "I jumped on an express train and overshot my stop. I'll be another 20 -30 minutes." All good, I'm in my car , parked a few doors down from his place and I have phone reception so I do my phone-min while I wait. Yay, he arrives and we walk to his door, he checks his pockets and realises he doesn't have his keys with him!! Luckily one of his flatmates just got in and lets us in. The night got much better after that so nothing more to write about - we grabbed dinner and I went home and chatted to a good friend til I fell asleep.

So that was one day! One day in the same month I got offered a job, gave up other paid work  for said offer only to have it pulled out from under me a week out. And Id already started prepping it.  So I tightened my belt (again), restricted my spending and enjoyed the next 2 weeks catching up with friends and on me time (code for pity party).

Not working is easy to get used to but bills have to be paid. It's hard to convince other people to pay you for your time and skills when you don't believe in yourself. Freelancing is a balancing act and every thing gets put on hold when you are about to be forced to stop for a month.

So I try my best to find the positives, but its hard to stay up beat when your life is being played with like a chew toy hence the title of todays blog.

Failed Adult

I have had what I perceive as a rich and eventful life so far and I like who I am. Some would consider that success.

But I can’t help but feel a bit of a failure in my adulthood. Financially and emotionally I am a bit of a mess. 

What is it to be an adult?

Marriage, mortgage, stability and family of my own?

Then I’m am definitely a failure!

Independence? Responsibility? Maturity?

Well 2 our of 3 ain’t bad😉

Am I a success or am I a failure?

Where did I go wrong if at all?

I work my ass off and keep myself busy but maybe I am more of a dreamer than I originally thought. Which is why I’m messed up emotionally too. Money has never been my motivator and as a freelancer I have managed to keep my head above water which is pretty amazing - just ask my accountant. 

I've followed my passions and bobbed along in the sea of life and never been one for long term plans. I roll with the punches but have taken my share of hits! I live simply and there is little extravagance in my life. Don’t trust Facebook- it’s just the highlights!

I am at the beach all the time because it is free!! 

Emotionally - well that's something I am constantly processing and over analysing. But someone from my past came back recently and its unlocked a long forgotten box of confusion that I thought I had gotten rid of but it seems it was just buried down deep. Still working through that one.

Just when I think I’m climbing back up and  will have things under control someone pulls the rug out from under me and I’m free falling again not sure where I’ll land but somehow always on my feet. 

A very quiet Christmas

I have barely said a word for 3 days and working on my 4th. Y'know how I like to say go hard or go home. I went HARD!!! and I broke myself, well my voice at least.  Seven days on a film set yelling over 20 adults to 5 straight days in a swimming pool talking to hundreds of kids and the flying, don't forget the flying! I like travelling but is sucks when you get sick. I went through the receipts on my arrival home and its V energy drinks, Panadol, honey, cough drops, gatorade, echinacea - you get the picture. The tricky part of travelling and working 12-14 hr days is not being in control of what you consume.

The great thing about living alone is its easy to not talk to anyone. Phone calls are tricky but so many people prefer some form of messenger or text  these days that I doubt anyone really noticed that I had gone quiet.  I messaged my parents to tell them I have no voice so they call me to get the details. Anyone see the problem here? I almost didn't go to my family Christmas lunch coz the doctor told me I was contagious. I went - just couldn't talk much. I whispered and used a lot of hand signals. I usually like to host an Orphans Christmas party but this year I was the orphan - all by myself and dozing on the couch with remote control in one hand and Mum's Christmas leftovers in the fridge.

What has this year taught me? I rediscovered my passion, though it wasn't until September until that happened and then a lot of things started to fall into place. Lots to do and learn but a direction to head in.  I started to feel my age and my body let me know it. I finally feel like my health insurance is worth it. I still don't fit anywhere and relationships continue to baffle me - and that's what keeps this blog going!

I took on a new job to pay the bills coz passion projects don't pay very well if at all. I believe in work life balance but mine is hard to see. My work life balance can't be calculated in a day, a week or even a month. You kinda have to even it out over a year or more. I have been more than content to lie around at home, not talking, moving from couch to bed and drinking all forms of tea and soup til I feel better. (and all these thoughts floating around my head waiting to get out!). A few days hibernating balances out the solid months of working and 2 straight weeks of long days, bad catering, lack of sleep, and being in another city. I'm ready to get back into it...nearly. Just let me get past this level of candy crush and binge watch one more series!!!

Happy Holidays, my Friends!! 

Be good, Be safe, Be grateful!

Perspective

So I was in a NSW Service centre the other day and saw this.

What order would you put these pamphlets in?

My friend wanted to change the order to Birth, Marriage, Death. Thinking that's the order he expects these events to happen to him.

The official name of the governing body is " Births, Deaths and Marriages".

The way I see it is Birth and Death are unavoidable - these happen to everyone and there is nothing we can do about it. Marriage is avoidable and indeed forbidden for some. And many people I know are getting married after they have kids. 

I guess it all depends on who's looking at it and if you think of it as your own birth or the birth of your child.  If you think about what order you might need to fill in each of these forms then the photo is correct...kind of.