Failed Adult

I have had what I perceive as a rich and eventful life so far and I like who I am. Some would consider that success.

But I can’t help but feel a bit of a failure in my adulthood. Financially and emotionally I am a bit of a mess. 

What is it to be an adult?

Marriage, mortgage, stability and family of my own?

Then I’m am definitely a failure!

Independence? Responsibility? Maturity?

Well 2 our of 3 ain’t bad😉

Am I a success or am I a failure?

Where did I go wrong if at all?

I work my ass off and keep myself busy but maybe I am more of a dreamer than I originally thought. Which is why I’m messed up emotionally too. Money has never been my motivator and as a freelancer I have managed to keep my head above water which is pretty amazing - just ask my accountant. 

I've followed my passions and bobbed along in the sea of life and never been one for long term plans. I roll with the punches but have taken my share of hits! I live simply and there is little extravagance in my life. Don’t trust Facebook- it’s just the highlights!

I am at the beach all the time because it is free!! 

Emotionally - well that's something I am constantly processing and over analysing. But someone from my past came back recently and its unlocked a long forgotten box of confusion that I thought I had gotten rid of but it seems it was just buried down deep. Still working through that one.

Just when I think I’m climbing back up and  will have things under control someone pulls the rug out from under me and I’m free falling again not sure where I’ll land but somehow always on my feet. 

A very quiet Christmas

I have barely said a word for 3 days and working on my 4th. Y'know how I like to say go hard or go home. I went HARD!!! and I broke myself, well my voice at least.  Seven days on a film set yelling over 20 adults to 5 straight days in a swimming pool talking to hundreds of kids and the flying, don't forget the flying! I like travelling but is sucks when you get sick. I went through the receipts on my arrival home and its V energy drinks, Panadol, honey, cough drops, gatorade, echinacea - you get the picture. The tricky part of travelling and working 12-14 hr days is not being in control of what you consume.

The great thing about living alone is its easy to not talk to anyone. Phone calls are tricky but so many people prefer some form of messenger or text  these days that I doubt anyone really noticed that I had gone quiet.  I messaged my parents to tell them I have no voice so they call me to get the details. Anyone see the problem here? I almost didn't go to my family Christmas lunch coz the doctor told me I was contagious. I went - just couldn't talk much. I whispered and used a lot of hand signals. I usually like to host an Orphans Christmas party but this year I was the orphan - all by myself and dozing on the couch with remote control in one hand and Mum's Christmas leftovers in the fridge.

What has this year taught me? I rediscovered my passion, though it wasn't until September until that happened and then a lot of things started to fall into place. Lots to do and learn but a direction to head in.  I started to feel my age and my body let me know it. I finally feel like my health insurance is worth it. I still don't fit anywhere and relationships continue to baffle me - and that's what keeps this blog going!

I took on a new job to pay the bills coz passion projects don't pay very well if at all. I believe in work life balance but mine is hard to see. My work life balance can't be calculated in a day, a week or even a month. You kinda have to even it out over a year or more. I have been more than content to lie around at home, not talking, moving from couch to bed and drinking all forms of tea and soup til I feel better. (and all these thoughts floating around my head waiting to get out!). A few days hibernating balances out the solid months of working and 2 straight weeks of long days, bad catering, lack of sleep, and being in another city. I'm ready to get back into it...nearly. Just let me get past this level of candy crush and binge watch one more series!!!

Happy Holidays, my Friends!! 

Be good, Be safe, Be grateful!

Perspective

So I was in a NSW Service centre the other day and saw this.

What order would you put these pamphlets in?

My friend wanted to change the order to Birth, Marriage, Death. Thinking that's the order he expects these events to happen to him.

The official name of the governing body is " Births, Deaths and Marriages".

The way I see it is Birth and Death are unavoidable - these happen to everyone and there is nothing we can do about it. Marriage is avoidable and indeed forbidden for some. And many people I know are getting married after they have kids. 

I guess it all depends on who's looking at it and if you think of it as your own birth or the birth of your child.  If you think about what order you might need to fill in each of these forms then the photo is correct...kind of.  

Unfulfilled - no, not quite.

"I'll never have what I want because I never want what I have" - Carrie Fisher.

I get this - it's very me.

Sometimes, just sometimes, I stop and get nostalgic about all the what ifs and sliding doors in my life. Thinking maybe I could have been happier/better/content. Maybe I could have gotten married and had a little family and now I would be the fit forty something yummy mummy jogging through Coogee in my designer active wear pushing my designer stroller with my designer baby! Then I walk past a kid throwing themselves on the ground and chucking an overly public tantrum  and it snaps me back to reality and reminds me how grateful I am to be where I am and with the life choices that I have made.

I know every person who has ever been a parent thinks it is the be all and end all and they can seriously make us conscientiously childless folk feel like shit! You act like your time is so much more valuable and that everything you do is so much more important because you managed to procreate. REALLY!!

Beautiful advice someone told me about recently. They asked a mother "What am I missing out on by not having children?". The mother shrugged and wisely answered "Well you are missing out on the having. Just like those that have are missing out on the not having."

And thank you Wendy Squires for this article and saying everything I want to but better.

The End? ...Or is it?

So this could be rather monumental or it could be a big steaming pile of BS. I don't know yet.
But I think I am going to retire from my current 'so called' career. It hasn't been very nice to me over the years and I'm tired of it. So I'm done, moving on. I am deeply saddened to announce that it is over - that this relationship is terminated. But we can still be friends?

It's the longest relationship I have ever had with anything. I see people starting out in this industry full of energy, ideas and passion. While digging through some stuff  of mine I was reminded of when I was that cocky kid starting out  - full of passion and energy. I was going to be someone. I was going to make a difference. Maybe I did, Maybe I didn't - doesn't matter now.

I watched Pirates of the Caribbean - the latest one - the one shot here. Lovely to see familiar names float by in the credits. Proud to say "I once knew them" and their numbers are in my phone. But I also realised that my name won't be there and I don't care anymore.

It's been great but I think its time we went our seperate ways. My dedication and devotion to you has given me some treasured experiences but you have also kept me from other things in my life.

For years I have been saying "This is the year", "Bring it on", "Any second now". I have been waiting for something to present itself - it hasn't.

So what next?

I need to reinvent myself again. But where and towards what? Can't tell you coz then I have to kill you - no really, I can't coz I don't know.

And I somehow feel these pictures are related to what I am thinking right now?! No one can explain me - but its an egg!

.

* I wrote this a few weeks ago - I'll keep you posted. Change is afoot!!

What now?

I have been needing to write! But Procrastination and binge watching entire TV series often wins.
Y'know I always try and do a wrap up for the year that was around now but this year is different - I'm happy.

That is not normal for me around this time. I really should be a little more stressed about what the F%*k I'm going to do with my life. It's mostly financial - I'm not working and I am writing this instead of applying for a few jobs. Yeah - so financially I should make some big changes in my life - but my soul is happy. I may have just jinxed myself and I am a little superstitious that the happier I admit to being the further I have to fall into that familiar pit that is depression.

I was telling a friend about my woes and mistakenly said that I was in the same boat last year and have been saying "Next year is the year!" for about 3 years now. It's not true. Last year I had one potential project on the go and in its infancy. Since then I have shot a funding video for that project, produced a short film, written another, driven up and down the coast in my trusty new Suzuki SX4, seen great things, met great people...the list goes on. I have had a good year, except for that one week of hospital stories and an unexpected death, but that was one week, oh and that one night where I drank way too much rum...one night! I digress - My friend summed up my current problem as being one of abundance. I have a number of fantastic opportunities on my plate right now (and I am talking creative projects not men, although I know a few good ones there too), I just need to choose which one to focus on first. They will all get done but my dilemma is HOW do I  prioritise?

And on the subject of my love life - I have lots of wonderful people in my life that I love and that love me - I know this, and it makes me happy. I may not have that "someone special" that society
brings us up believing we should have but that's ok. I never have been one for conformity.
Here is a good article I came across this morning about relationships in 2017 - it makes a lot of sense to me.
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/80-singles-go-one-date-2017-paul-carrick-brunson?published=t

Worth?

* This was written a month ago in November. I re-read it and it needs to be published - so it's 2 for 1 today.

I have a new project in the pipeline that begs you to ask the question "What am I worth?". It is a comment on the hospital system and questions who is worthy of treatment.

This week I have spent a bit of time visiting in hospital and watching how a public hospital operates and it's really quite dismal. You don't want to get sick, that's for sure. The nurses have the customer service level of any store in the UK and don't get me started on the scheduling!! If you have no intention of doing something at or by a certain time why tell a patient that it will happen. People want information, they like to know what is happening, they find it comforting. I know this, I have been incorporating it into the way I work for the past 20 years.

It's a strange mentality people have.
Answer me this - which is more comforting -
1. "Yes, I know you are in pain. we are bringing your pain medication now" - it never comes, no explanation is given.
2. "Sorry, I know you are in pain, we are unable to get the one your doctor has prescribed but here are your alternatives". alternative medication is administered.

1. We will be with you shortly, please wait. 3 hrs later.
2. Im sorry, it's going to be a 2-3 hr wait.

In my line of work if I ask how long something will take  many people feel they should respond with "five minutes" because they think it is what I want to hear. Not true. I need an accurate estimation so I can keep other things moving and shuffle a schedule around to improve efficiency. I like to think I have a pretty good track record for doing this well.

It just felt like the flow of information was very stagnated and scattered. I understand certain protocols need to be in place for WHS laws and what not but you wouldn't think a bottle of water would be too  much to ask for.

When I told these stories to a friend who has spent way too much time in hospitals supervising her parents treatment over the past 10+ years she didnt bat an eyelid and was not surprised to hear any of it.

It's eye opening. Lots of sick people in the world and not enough funding to treat them all or to even make the ones who can get into hospital comfortable. That is the definition of "Met minimal requirements". A review I received once on my Airbnb place. It sits amidst the 49 other glowing reviews about me and my place do :-p to you!!

What else? If you go into hospital afterhours or god forbid on a Friday, don't expect much in the way of support. A friend of mine went in on a Friday but couldn't contact her health insurer until office hours Monday. I would say switch providers but its too late by the time you are in hospital on a Friday night , isn't it?

I was also reminded that life is short and life is precious. Why waste time hating on politicians and posting it all over facebook go spend time with people you care about. You never know when they might not be around anymore. I still don't know the details, but I know he is no more - We should never have kept putting off that Yum Cha lunch!!