A moment please...

Last night my Grandmother closed her eyes on this world for the last time. She was 96 (i think), or there abouts.

I haven't seen her in years, so, to me, I guess I had already let her go.
My understanding of death and society's reaction to it as much a conundrum as what relationships are supposed to be.

I know I am supposed to be all sad and accept everybody's deepest condolences. Truth is, she probably should have let go a few years ago. She didn't want to be here anymore. A friend of mine, who also recently lost his grandmother, said the same thing, going so far as to say that if it was a family pet you would have taken them to the vet years ago to be put down. Sounds harsh but there is truth in it that you should at least consider for a moment. I am not asking you to agree, just to consider it for a brief moment.

I couldn't have a proper conversation with my grandmother as my chinese language skills could barely pass kindergarten. Do I regret this? No,  not particularly - I had a choice, I had the time, I just chose not to do anything about it.

What I do know about her is that she raised a family of 5 children with a fairly absent husband in rural China. The family officially migrated here when my Mother was only 16 and after my grandfather passed away in the 80's. my grandmother continued to live very capably on her own. So to suddenly have your body fail you and be put in a nursing home must have been really hard for her. I pride myself on my strength and I can only put it to the positive female influences in my life. Of which she was definitely one.

When I stop to think about what she has taught me I think of dumplings (goc jai) and the fact that she stuck up for me when I was compared to my sister all the time. Maybe it was because she too was a little sister.

Regular readers may remember a post about how excited I was when I made my first batch of these dumplings without any assistance. I remember being gathered in my mothers kitchen with a whole contingent of aunties and making dumplings to feed the masses that are my extended family. I could write something really poetic about how she will always be there to guide my hand whenever i make these dumplings from scratch. But that would be lying - she knows it, I know it, you know it. I watched, I learned and I practiced making these things because  they are yummy and I like to eat them. Maybe I'll make some now, I'm getting kinda peckish.

She will be buried next to her husband, my grandfather,and I hope we can keep the tradition going of sending things to the afterlife where they continue on in happier more peaceful times. Do I believe in the afterlife? Not sure, but she did so lets hope that's where she is.

I have a really clear memory of her at my grandfathers grave once, offering up his favourite foods along with Chinese tea and a few shots of whiskey, just the way he liked it and chatting to him. Catching him up on news of the family and to share the banquet with other deceased relatives. It created a great image of my deceased relatives around a banquet table - eating, drinking and being merry. So maybe that's where she is now.

The body may be gone but the memory will always be there and I hope this little blog is enough to honour that memory, even though she would't be able to read and understand it.

2013 - the year that was.

So as the year comes to an end, I look back and reassess where am I now?

Regular readers will have heard me winging about needing a new career path, a change, something.
Well this year was one of the toughest years for me financially. As a freelancer and a home owner I was incredibly lucky to have had enough work to pay the mortgage and my bills and still feed myself.This was the first time in six years that I didn't have a long project to more onto. I survived on small gigs, a little waitressing, selling stuff off on gumtree, getting in a Flatmate and generally culling my spending. It also gave me time to work on a number of different projects of my own. I went to my first industry conference, festival and have taken a side step into a smaller role on a bigger project. I have done 2 radio interviews and spoken to a classroom of up and coming film makers. I turned 40!!

I have struggled but I am happy with what I have achieved this year - met lots of new people on different projects - unfortunately freebie, low budget and deferral projects. A project I did a few years ago was released this year. I got paid to direct a few episodes of a series.

I am still single and childless and the best auntie ever!!  Relationships continue to baffle me. And now I have new 'dangerous' ideas in my head thanks to dan savage. It's all about expectations, and what most people expect from their partners is quite unreasonable and they don't want to talk about it. Heterosexual relationships - men and women spend years searching for that one person who will be their everything. Once they find someone close enough that they can tolerate (we'll call this 'love') and settle down they spend the rest of the time trying to get away from each other on boys nights, ladies lunches etc. Where I am friends with men and they get married - I am somehow expected to hang with the girls even though I hardly know them. Purely based on my gender am I supposed to want to hang with women more than men? It doesn't make sense - and you know it.

I also discovered that as a single woman , if I ever comment on a member of the opposite sex, then I am told "ooh, you have a crush on him!" Or "you are so in love with him". I had one friend, after telling her that i met someone she studied with and we got on immediately ask, " did you sleep with him?"  Well no, I didn't know that's what I was expected to do when meeting people that know you. It is kinda odd when you think about it. I don't get the same questions if I say the same about a woman I met, and I wouldn't get them if I wasn't single either. This is pretty much why I keep my private life private (except for this blog).

I had a rather stressful December at work and it continues on into January, which I am actually grateful for. Christmas was the usual gastronomic family affair. Lots of fun. I also gathered some fellow freelancers for a little Christmas drink at Pocket bar. I figured as freelancers we don't always get Christmas parties, so let's have one of our own. It was a pretty quiet affair but lovely to catch up with those that came. Most of it finished up pretty early but all I needed was one person to say "one more?", and I don't know what time I got home, but I slept late and was a little hung over the next day - must have been a good one.

And now I have escaped north (to an undisclosed location, except that I tagged myself in on FB the other night) to hang with a good friend and just chill. Happy to be out of Sydney and the pressure everyone puts on New Year's Eve.  It's great, I have forgotten what day it is and don't care what time it is and my brain is so relaxed that I am asking really dumb questions - now that's love!!

Happy new year folks and catch you on the flip side that is 2014!!!

Am I dangerous?

So i just read an article that was posted on Facebook.
It was about the differences between men and women. It 's pretty obvious that it was put together by a man and does nothing but confirm the stereotypes that society has set.

Is this really how men and women behave?

No, but this is how we are encouraged to behave if we want to be considered socially acceptable.
So by this reasoning I am NOT socially acceptable because I am a woman and can go to the bathroom by myself.

The Festival of Dangerous ideas is coming up in Sydney next month. I love the idea and will be there with bells on. What I find interesting is the use of the word "dangerous".

The festival is a compilation of talks and discussions that put forward alternative ideas in regards to religion, politics, sex, ethics..., life, the universe and everything.
It uses words like "controversial", "confronting" and  "thought provoking". It challenges you to get out of your comfort zone.

Dangerous ideas can be disruptive. They give you the chance to change your mind. This November, step out of the day-to-day to listen, think and talk ideas. Embrace excess for one dangerous weekend...there's nothing quite like it.

So if you don't think like everyone else - you are considered "Dangerous"?

I am NOT socially acceptable, therefore I am dangerous?

Personally I think it is much more dangerous to be so caught up in "being normal" that you miss everything else going on in the world.

Go forth, live life, enjoy!!

The Festival Of Dangerous Ideas

Happy 50th Wedding Anniversary

I celebrated my parents 50th Wedding anniversary this month. 50 years is a LONG time! For two people to stay married for that long is quite the achievement. If I got married tomorrow and made it to my 50th Wedding anniversary - I would be 90 years old!!  And seeing as relationships and I don't get on very well it's unlikely it will happen at all.

Despite longer life expectancies and modern medical breakthroughs I have a feeling the disposability of marriage these days will be what wipes out 50th Wedding anniversaries. People are getting married a lot later in life these days and less and less people are staying together. 

It was a great night and my parents had a fantastic time surrounded by friends and family. My family worked very well as a team to put the event together. (start sarcastic tone here) My favourite part would have to be my Uncle's speech where he decided it would be funny to single out my lifestyle choice yet again. It was kinda funny at my sisters wedding when I was 23 for him to joke about trying to marry me off. I am 40 now! I don't know how funny it is to highlight the wonderful family achievements (and the definition here  is 'family', ie marriage and kids) of my siblings and then point out that they are still waiting on me to do the same. Keep waiting - the 40 yo divorced and happily single girl may not have the same priorities as her siblings - just maybe! Yeah, it's great being the family joke! You should try it sometime.

What I did find odd is that all my coupled relatives complained to me about their relationships and made  negative comments about being in a relationship. I've said it before and I'll say it again - Do we always want what we don't or can't have?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ahh... Coupledom, my nemesis.



Many think I am a little too negative towards coupledom but I believe I have good reason to be.

I always say "don't knock it til you've tried it." But I tried it and it didn't work - A man said he loved me and asked me to marry him, so I did. I tried to share my life with him but apparently he had other plans. So we got divorced. 

Coupledom has also sucessfully made many of my friends appear to forget about me. I used to always have people around. We would see each other every week if not more. But now, it just doesnt happen. Everyone seems busy and maybe they assume I am too. I'm not!

We all know what what happens to friends when they start a new relationship - they disappear. At least for a while into what is commonly known as the "honeymoon phase". But isn't  that supposed to wear off and then you can actually hang out with the friends again?  

Singles want to be in relationships and couples miss their single lives. Is that why they don't like to mix?

I am not opposed to being in a relationship, it's just that I havent found any that appeal. In 5 years of being single the only man that has shown any interest in me (that meets my apparently high but dropping by the day standards) is a victim of my nemesis and all the others are idiots!

I tried the stupid dating websites and speed dating and just getting drunk at pubs - no luck.

But great blog research. So you see, coupledom does not seem to want to be my friend. But everyone else I know seems to be friends with it.

There is nothing wrong with being single but it does get lonely sometimes.

I like the idea of a commune...

So this is 40?!

Can you believe I had my 40th Birthday and didn't blog about it?!

The last blog was the 39 yo me freaking out about turning 40 but I'm over that now. Now that I am another year wiser I have learnt that nothing really changes except I am now eligible for free mammograms.

People in relationships tell me their problems, single friends tell me their problems, parents, childless...the list goes on. No one is truly completely happy. I am content and I'm not materialistic but a little more money would make me happier. If money wasn't an issue I would be in New York right now. And maybe Spain later this year. I wouldn't have to worry about renting my place out or finding a flatmate so I can afford the bills. I would be able to pick and choose what projects I could work on and this would mean making my own stuff and working with all my friends on it. So c'mon sugar daddy, where are you?

If I had all the money in the world I bet I still wouldn't be happy. I just want enough to fully enjoy my life. Think of when you were a kid and money didn't matter. you didn't have to worry about earning money, paying bills, time all you had to do was play. It would be great!! it's just that my idea of playing now that I am older is a lot more expensive, damn it!

Forty is great. I am old enough to grumble about "young people these days" and young enough to still call people old. My grandparents lived well into their 80's and 90's so I may not have even made it to mid life crisis yet?! It does help that I don't look 40, not sure I act like I'm 40 either.

So the party. My not yet 40 friends insisted that I have a party this year. I didn't want to but I am glad I did. A good turnout of family and friends form all different parts of my life. I haven't done that great a job of keeping up with people from my past. Facebook helps but I realised most of the people there were my core group of friends who I have known for about 10-15 years now and people that i have worked with in the past 3 years. I think I really noticed because I a guy from my Newtown days turned up who I bumped into recently but we haven't really know each other since I was about 24 and he didn't know anyone.  Anyhoo, I was feeling the love in the room and 2 long distance guest appearances from Canberra and Cairns made for a very happy night. The night ended with me and a few hard core stragglers stumbling down King street being rejected from every bar on the street. Nice to know I can turn 40 and still not get into pubs at 2 in the morning on King street, I even woke up without much of a hangover the next day and I thought to myself - maybe I am finally learning.

Then I had a work function with bar tab the following week, I haven't learnt.

I think I write better when I am depressed. I don't think the blogs are as good when my psyche isn't tormented.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

WARNING: I am sure this will offend some people. Sorry but it's where I'm at right now, deal with it!


Why can't you people leave me alone!!

My sleep last night was bookended by late night texts from people trying to book me in or change plans  for THIS MORNING(!?) and an early morning phone call inviting me to breakfast. The only acceptable phone calls after midnight are 1) In case of emergency, 2) Im out drinking with you and can't find you, 3) international callers who have difficulty figuring out time zones. 4) and booty calls, I guess. Dunno, been a while since I have had such shallow a relationship.

I'm all for spontaneity but what happened to the days when you used to say "Meet me at the Town Hall steps 3 days from now at midday.", and without any further communication, you could rely on that person to be there?? Technology happened! Mobile phones, text messaging, internet, social media...etc, the list goes on. Don't get me wrong I am not one to leave my iPhone far from arms reach at any time of the day. (which would explain why late night and early morning messages bug me, I know, I could simply turn off the phone but then I would have nothing to complain about).

I think a culmination of events yesterday was enough to tip me over the edge. That and being a few days away from turning 40!. Every year, without fail I think I get depressed around my birthday. It's another milestone for me to measure up to. I contemplate what I have achieved in the past year and it usually depresses me. I am my own worst judge. There is little to complain about in my life - I own a home, I am fit and able bodied, and I have family and friends .  Maybe I should just aim lower and achieve satisfaction. I DO appreciate what I have and am very proud of many of my achievements, but I always expect a little more of myself and I always will, so this leaves me disappointed.

Age is but a number but people around you, society, media, basically everywhere you look has its opinion of where you should be in life and what you should have achieved by certain ages. Maybe I spent too much time rebelling against the norm as a teenager and got too good at it and it stuck. I may not be alone but I am definitely a minority. It amuses me that so many tv shows about young, hip n sexy singles end with characters getting married or having kids. Think about Friends, Sex in the City and sadly even 30 Rock. I take this to mean either

1.All anyone wants is to get married and have kids. Once this goal is reached there is nothing left to say - Happy ever after.

OR

2. Life after marriage and children isn't interesting enough to carry a series.

Look at what they did to poor Joey on Friends. All the other characters got partners, weddings, kids and a house in the burbs. Joey moves to LA for his career, stagnates as a 2 dimensional character and flops in his own TV show. I'm being a bit harsh here - I never really gave it a go, and I don't research what I write on here at all.

But I am sick of being so accommodating to everyone else around me. I get the impression that people assume I have more time on my hands because I am single and unshackled by partner or offspring, but then they also seem to think I am always busy and 'going out'. I spent Friday at home cooking up a storm (wontons, gyoza and salsa), and last night I stayed up watching multiple movies on tv. Yes, I love that I can do that whenever I feel like it but that's my life, ok!

Ever thought about why I blog? It's therapy for me. Cheaper than a shrink and easier to get time with my laptop that it is to find a friendly shoulder to cry on. (boo hoo, poor me!!)

I just want a little respect and reward for my time and efforts, is that too much to ask?

Lonliness vs Tolerence

I stole this title from Sean Hughes  and it has always stuck with me.

The concept of Loneliness vs Tolerance - Everyone is going to annoy you in some way, right? So in order to be able to hang out with people we decide who we can tolerate more and therefore avoid Loneliness. Give up tolerance and you will end up alone. I need to work on my tolerance.

It's a beautiful and romantic idea to think that there are people out there that you will never find any fault with. Realistically, that's kind of delusional. I married my now ex husband because there was no one I knew that could make me angrier than he did. I figured I must love him coz he annoyed me so much. 
I have been catching myself feeling a little lonely these days.
Friends don't call as often, no one just pops by for a cuppa, it's all so much effort. People think I am always SO busy. I think it is because I don't have a regular schedule and am therefore often busy when others are not. Often the busier I am, the more alone I can feel.  I'll find myself mid week finally getting a break, wanting to chill and having no one to do this with.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming others for forgetting me, its probably my own fault of playing all my cards a little too close to my chest all these years and not letting anyone in to see the real me in here. You'd think someone might have figured it out by now.

It amuses and intriegues me that some people think I would be happy and all my problems would be solved if only I would find that 'special someone'. Sure, it would help, but trust me , there is so much else in my life that I am questioning right now that the 'special someone' would just be a small percentage. If there is someone out there who can allow me time and money to travel and write and to be selective of the projects I work on while being completely supportive of everything I do and eat all the food I cook without getting too fat then bring it on.

Damn it why am I never satisfied. I am so lucky to have everything that I do have and yet it's still not enough. As much as I am ok with being on my own,  I do entertain the idea of sharing my life with someone. Here's where another part of my brain pipes up and says - " who says we are supposed to end up with one person anyway?". This part of my brain says other things too but she doesn't always make a lot of sense. And that's a topic for a whole other blog entry, I'm sure.

Hoping this isn't too morbid.  I am fine to anyone who wishes to ask. I actually started this blog idea in August last year and I needed to write something today but had no other ideas. Except for the weird rom-com movie dream I had this morning that incorporated a few random thoughts of late. I woke up at the end of the 2nd act where the couple have a heart breaking misunderstanding and have been trying to figure out how it ends all day.